I’ve started this post about five times and I’ve erased each one about three paragraphs in.. I can’t find the words tonight… no matter how creative you are, there are times when it just isn’t coming to you… when a painter stares at the blank canvas, when the sculptor runs his hand across the stone, when a writer spins the pen between his fingers and chews on the inside of his lip.. tonight is one of those nights for me.. sometimes it’s better to just acknowledge it than to force it and have everyone see that you forced it..
It’s suddenly gotten cold and rainy here where I live.. this coffee shop seems two-dimensional.. the jazz overhead sounds like static.. and I cant form this collage of ideas in my brain into any sort of words.. the truth is my chest hurts tonight… there’s an emptiness in my life right now and as much as I try to stay busy and ignore it, there are times it catches up to me and my heart starts into it’s palpitations and my stomach starts to churn… My brain cycles through a hundred different emotions every hour, and I can’t seem to get it to stop flipping through it’s photo albums and home movies, replaying for me everything I already know I am missing… There are as many unanswered questions as there are emotions, and it seems they never shut off, even when I sleep.. I go to bed early to get away from them, but as soon as I wake I realize the questions are still rolling like movie credits across my mind.
I’ve screamed at God and begged Him to help. I’ve screamed at Satan and demanded he stay away from my family… I’ve just plain screamed. I’ve pounded on the floor, the wall, my pillow… I’ve cried into the blanket that still smells like her.. the last few weeks have been the hardest and darkest of my life and I’m learning a lot about myself, about God, about what to expect from others.. it has not been a happy time or a peaceful time.. I suppose it’s just one of those times that come at us anyway… out of nowhere, for no reason, and we just have to take it..
So here I sit, trying to write something meaningful… but I’ve got nothing…